Drug addiction/sobriety

[Surge]

I am fucking miserable.

I'm handcuffed by circumstance, and the holidays don't make being alone any easier.

Bills, failed a test, slow season, friendships drying up..

Things are getting very tight.

How's DogK?

 

[David.]

I've put this chapter on hold a I went through my final semester at sdsu. I knew I would need to actually take the meds.

And I've basically been medicated most days for the past month. I did it responsibly, taking days off and getting rest and doing my best not to become dependent on it physically.

Hard study days would be 12 hours of studying, two adderall. I'm weening off now at .5 a day..


Figuring out how to be a human being again after living with one goal and razor sharp focus for a month. I have to figure out "what next?" now, in terms of how much of this I will take (methadone theory) and..literally what the fuck is next for me.

 

[The Human Q-Tip]

I've put this chapter on hold a I went through my final semester at sdsu. I knew I would need to actually take the meds.

And I've basically been medicated most days for the past month. I did it responsibly, taking days off and getting rest and doing my best not to become dependent on it physically.

Hard study days would be 12 hours of studying, two adderall. I'm weening off now at .5 a day..


Figuring out how to be a human being again after living with one goal and razor sharp focus for a month. I have to figure out "what next?" now, in terms of how much of this I will take (methadone theory) and..literally what the fuck is next for me.

Dude, you have been pretty freaking cogent and insightful elsewhere on this board for awhile. You need to figure out a way to keep that brain sharp without polluting it, and then figure out a way for it to make you money.

No joke -- your mind would be a terrible thing to waste.

Speaking of which, that is actually the reason I've never even smoked a doobie. Didn't want my brain housing group to lose sharpness. They only issue you one of those, and repairs are a bitch. So I've always figured it's my responsibility to keep it sharp, and try not to let it get damaged.

 

[David.]

How's DogK?

I am so in love with this dog.

She's just a nice person. She's smart as fuck(understands mirrors and some complex sentences, always happy and bouncy, and if she was a human she'd be an Olympic athlete).

I still get panic attacks about Morgan and would never choose favorites, but Hannah is a better fit. She loves me back (Morgan not so much). Dog park, most days for an hour or two. Just cuddles on top of you when at home

 

[David.]

Dude, you have been pretty freaking cogent and insightful elsewhere on this board for awhile. You need to figure out a way to keep that brain sharp without polluting it, and then figure out a way for it to make you money.

No joke -- your mind would be a terrible thing to waste.

Speaking of which, that is actually the reason I've never even smoked a doobie. Didn't want my brain housing group to lose sharpness. They only issue you one of those, and repairs are a bitch. So I've always figured it's my responsibility to keep it sharp, and try not to let it get damaged.

I don't know what to do. Last six months I've really adopted the idea that life balance and helping people will is the best for you, emotionally and mentally, and that should be what my career is based around.

That's a really big compliment you gave.. genuinely touched me. I've messed a lot of things up, it's been a rough life and a rough year. Nice to hear stuff like that.

I am dynamic and sharp, I just don't know which direction to take that, and to how to weight money, being happy, and impact. Excel at math, sales and persuasion, training performing, abstract thought, music, athletic.. most things I've taken interest in I've been exceptional at, scored high on IQ tests, even stronger in emotional IQ, some entrepreneurial success (more failure than success).. and roughly 20g for investing.

I also have certain shortcomings.. lose passion for everything very quickly and have a temper and don't excel at maintaining long term relationships with people.

..I also have a criminal record, and drug issues (which will likely dissipate after I lose the part time job).

It's a lot to think about, I'm risk averse, and I need to do something pretty quickly


Kind words are much appreciated. You and @Maximus and @TyGuyand @SuperSurge have especially been helpful.

 

[David.]

I don't want to be here anymore

 

[David.]

I'd be high if my drugs weren't uppers right now. Fast food and political documentaries will have to do

 

[Maximus]

I don't want to be here anymore

Hang in there my man. Be strong. Hang in there...please.

 

[Randolphkeys]

I don't want to be here anymore

I am on your side, whatever happens. You get some sushi, drive to the beach with an old towel, and stare at the waves for a while, it gets anyone's mind right.

 

[Zog]

I don't want to be here anymore

Hang in there man. 2016 was rough on a lot of people. Aside from having a good job and the Cavs winning the title, it was my roughest year. It certainly taught me that money isn't even close to being everything as I earned more this year than I ever have in the past, but I haven't been as happy otherwise; moving was more difficult than I thought and I'm still adjusting to new surroundings and less family/friends in the immediate area... additionally, a doctor told me I had a somewhat serious heart-related problem from an EKG test and sent me to the ER for something that turned out to be nothing more than a respiratory infection (he and his assistant both misread the EKG)... this gave me a case of health anxiety that I have never had before (no real health issues ever before) and I hadn't even been to a doctor except for a couple cases of strep in probably 8-10 years, but I've felt sick more in 2016 after that than all other years combined because of it and I'm still working to get over it at times. Health issues were something that never even crossed my mind before, now I can get myself anxious over minor symptoms. I've gotten a lot better recently and hope I am over it completely soon so I can be back to my normal self.

As Max said, find things that keep you going. I have a 6 month old nephew that whenever I am having a down moment, I try to think how much I want to see and help him grow up, etc. It's a constant bright spot that I can go to when I need positive vibes. I Facetime my sister a couple times per week for the sole purpose of getting to see him.

A quote I saw recently that I want to live 2017 by, "We are under no obligation to be the same person we were yesterday."

I think you have a great number of people here who really enjoy your posts and want to see you succeed in life. It sounds like if you got some help regarding what sort of career path to take that could really help you. Just a thought, but something technical sales-related may be of interest based on your other post. Would hopefully be lots of different projects to work on to keep you interested. Keep your head up and things will work out.

 

[The Oi]

@David., your posting in other forums has never been more clear-headed and valuable in other areas of the board lately. You've been really enjoyable to interact with. I'd almost think you're an entirely different, healthy person.

Kind of surprised to see this honestly. It's ok obviously. Just saying I'm surprised.

 

[The Human Q-Tip]

@David., your posting in other forums has never been more clear-headed and valuable in other areas of the board lately. You've been really enjoyable to interact with. I'd almost think you're an entirely different, healthy person.

Kind of surprised to see this honestly. It's ok obviously. Just saying I'm surprised.

My thoughts exactly.

@David. , I really feel for you. You have so much shit going on upstairs that you apparently crack if you can't find an outlet for it. When you do find an outlet for it, as you seem to do with political stuff here, you're very insightful, and your posts are well-written. You need to figure out how to put that talent to use, so that your addictive personality has a consistent, healthy outlet.

Fuck, just keep posting I those threads for now. I really enjoy reading your stuff.

 

[David.]

@David., your posting in other forums has never been more clear-headed and valuable in other areas of the board lately. You've been really enjoyable to interact with. I'd almost think you're an entirely different, healthy person.

Kind of surprised to see this honestly. It's ok obviously. Just saying I'm surprised.

My thoughts exactly.

@David. , I really feel for you. You have so much shit going on upstairs that you apparently crack if you can't find an outlet for it. When you do find an outlet for it, as you seem to do with political stuff here, you're very insightful, and your posts are well-written. You need to figure out how to put that talent to use, so that your addictive personality has a consistent, healthy outlet.

Fuck, just keep posting I those threads for now. I really enjoy reading your stuff.

These posts touched me, and I am teary. I try not to come to this thread in attempt to avoid reality, as I am and have always been inclined. I am, more than ever, stuck in a cycle of hopelessness and pain. I have talked to no one, outside of electronic communication with members of this website, in a week.

I'm handicapped by my own doing, and realizing probably too late how wrong I've been and the impending consequences. I could have done so much more, and been so much more.

My past, tendencies, and brain wiring simply provide me a world more difficult than others, and at 29 and shackled in debt, (a circumstance that at the moment seems to be a life sentence), things seemed to be stacked against me. I'm a toothless infant armed with a plastic spoon and only enough knowledge to know that crouched wolves that surround me have sharp teeth.

I've learned a lot since the events that transpired over summer, if nothing else. But it may just be that there is nothing else to do. Every year I say "if only I knew this before", and with every passing year a door shuts, leaving me face to face with cold, steel bars. I may be left quite a knowledgeable person with incredible potential, only to ultimately be void of any real potential or knowledge that is anything but unavailing.

I haven't the capacity for love. I have no hope to start or provide for a family. I was put on this earth to raise a boy, and I haven't the means.

Saturdays are the days I normally feel good enough to deal with the world, through pernicious self medication, (prescribed by the good doctors of my state university and it's government), and by unencumbered perversion (of which I fall victim and perpetrate through my own fault time after time). Even that syringe of poison normally fails to provide climax.

Tomorrow will be hell, and today will be but a dream to hope for through six days of pain, assuaged by insignificant distraction from it. Last Sunday I awoke and found "does dying feel good" in a search bar. I remember wondering what hacking at my left forearm, on the meaty part (with a tool I don't possess) and severing it might feel like.

I have no answers. I don't seek them.

Tomorrow I'll be too embarrassed to revisit this thread, and won't be nearly as lucid or honest as I was today.

No one I know, knows the majority of the substance I've written on this site.

 

[The Oi]

This post touched me, and I am teary. I try not to come to this thread in attempt to avoid reality, as I am and have always been inclined. I am, more than ever, stuck in a cycle of hopelessness and pain. I have talked to no one, outside of electronic communication with members of this website, in a week.

I'm handicapped by my own doing, and realizing probably too late how wrong I've been and the impending consequences. I could have done so much more, and been so much more.

My past, tendencies, and brain wiring simply provide me a world more difficult than others, and at 29 and shackled in debt, (a circumstance that at the moment seems to be a life sentence), things seemed to be stacked against me. I'm a toothless infant armed with a plastic spoon and only enough knowledge to know that crouched wolves that surround me have sharp teeth.

I've learned a lot since the events that transpired over summer, if nothing else. But it may just be that there is nothing else to do. Every year I say "if only I knew this before", and with every passing year a barred door shuts. I may be left quite a knowledgeable person with incredible potential, only to ultimately be void of any real potential or knowledge that is anything but unavailing.

I haven't the capacity for love. I have no hope to start or provide for a family. I was put on this earth to raise a boy, and I haven't the means.

Saturdays are the days I normally feel good enough to deal with the world, through pernicious self medication, (prescribed by the good doctors of my state university and it's government), and by unencumbered perversion (of which I fall victim and perpetrate through my own fault time after time). Even that is normally without climax.

Tomorrow will be hell, and today will be but a dream to hope for through six days of pain, assuaged by insignificant distraction from it. Last Sunday I awoke and found "does dying feel good" in a search bar. I remember wondering what hacking at my left forearm, on the meaty part (with a tool I don't possess) and severing it might feel like.

I have no answers. I don't seek them.

Tomorrow I'll be too embarrassed to revisit this thread, and won't be nearly as lucid or honest as I was today.

What would make you happy? Like what would turn this freight train around if it suddenly happened tomorrow?

 

[David.]

What would make you happy? Like what would turn this freight train around if it suddenly happened tomorrow?

For sharp edges to smooth so a square peg can just fucking fit into a round hole.

For certainty of disinterest for anything that leads to yield of a happy life to become uncertain.

I don't even know how to answer the question. I am not fit to work a 9-5 job with structure, or sustain passion in anything I do. How do I pay back this debt?

It's preposterous to think that I can hold a job.. I frankly don't even want to! Indefinite slave labor is a hell of a thing on which to spend all your life. And my pay rate (as is everyone else's!), potential and actual, is plummeting.

Practicality isn't practical if circumstances don't provide such a practice in thought or application.

I need money to live. And to find a home, and raise a kid, should I find circumstance to have one birthed unto me.

Given a long enough time line and evident enough pattern, data is predictive, regarding what I'm capable of and what I'm not. Job, relationships.

How can I answer this? "Not be me anymore?"