Drug addiction/sobriety

[David.]

So I can pay and fix the car and basically continue to run it into the ground for 40k a year after taxes, or I can get an actual job.

The Former requires more drug usage.

I'm going with the latter at the moment. Sick of this life.

Started job search, on clist, to start. Of the ten decent jobs, only a couple stated they performed background check.. that was promising.


Life's going to change. It's either going to work or it's not. I don't know what to do about Hannah, but if I land a job I want it looks like I'll have to find a doggy day care, and when my lease expires, find a place with a yard.

I.. literally got hit with 6k of unexpected expenses this week. Fucking incredible. Sure speeds up the jump into the next phase of life though.

 

[Huber.]

So I can pay and fix the car and basically continue to run it into the ground for 40k a year after taxes, or I can get an actual job.

The Former requires more drug usage.

I'm going with the latter at the moment. Sick of this life.

Started job search, on clist, to start. Of the ten decent jobs, only a couple stated they performed background check.. that was promising.


Life's going to change. It's either going to work or it's not. I don't know what to do about Hannah, but if I land a job I want it looks like I'll have to find a doggy day care, and when my lease expires, find a place with a yard.

I.. literally got hit with 6k of unexpected expenses this week. Fucking incredible. Sure speeds up the jump into the next phase of life though.

FLY DAVIE FLY!

 

[David.]

Good news - repairs only 1300 and I said "what have I got to lose, let's try turning on catering app at night".. and it's even better than uber and I don't have to get fucked up.

I stack two catering dispatches at the same time so 15$ an hour turns into 25$.

So, I don't have to get high anymore, I don't have to show up at an office at the moment, and I'm making 1100 a week self employed which Let's me fuck around with tax treatment of it.

I feel a lot better.

 

[David.]

$1050 this week, more then half untaxed. Remainder is income from self employment so I can get creative with taxes.

That's.. actually pretty fucking good. Get to meet a lot of people, it really doesn't feel like work, I get stuff done during the day..

The right move is to get an interview at a firm, but this isn't bad for the time being.

 

[David.]

Just got off the phone w lawyer..

First case doesn't appear for second case. 16 hours community service. Then we go to address the expired probation.

Dismissal of both.

 

[David.]

Ive got a stash and im not really compelled to doctor shop. I could just get rid of the rest and make 500$ in the process and likely be done with this stuff.

The only positives left are simply that it feels good and that it is incredible for intellectual curiosity and you cover a lot of ground at a rate you normally wouldnt have.

Negatives are im never going to make progress in other areas until i stop this phase. I may work harder and longer while on, but it requires downtime, and i miss work sometimes.

 

[David.]

Stuff is absolute bullshit.

I was ready to discard the rest of my stash. Forget my reasoning but i said 'one last one to have a profitable day".

It was very profitable, and i reconsidered the previous notion that it was all that bad. I took it every day for a week subsequently.

..the week was 75% as profitable. The days youre on, you work 1.25 times as hard and HAPPILY, but it requires more rest and fatigue and upping dosage is part of the territory

Woke up today and missed lunch shift bc i overslept. Vowed to get rid of the rest. Couldnt get up so i took a half. Instantly reconsidered my whole position on the drug and was thankful i didnt get rid of it.

Its incredible how high you and sober you are in such drastic opposition. 10mg and youre of an entirely different opinion on.. Everything

 

[David.]

Getting rid of all but 7 today. This is enough to ween off. I'm done

 

[David.]

Diversion program is terrible.

The social worker is off the charts on neuroticism and extraversion, which means he is hell bent on seeking approval. He just talks to talk. I may have said two paragraphs of words in an hour and a half. He had a proclivity for avoiding eye contact. Just.. Weird.

I want to say hes at least a good guy, but he clearly wants to cut corners.. Almost in order to be liked. "Dont worry man, i mark off hours for like.. Nothing! I just wanna get you through the program!" .. Well i sort of like the idea of the program as a way to potentially reduce recidivism, but this is just shit.

He went on about politics, tone deaf to who was sitting in front of him. He asked me about my efforts in finding insurance anf then interrupted me to say how its unaffordable now for most things. He transitioned that into how much he loves ACA. Im just.. dude these are impossible opinions to hold at the same time.

He tried selling me on how this was a goos program because id be able to lie to future employers about my record. I wanted to interrupt him and tell him that that actually isnt fair to employers but he was on a roll.

He meant well.

The system is a joke.

 

[Adam]

I'm working with a client on quitting cochineal at the moment. I'm using a cbt model that is pretty straight forward and seems to be going well.

Thing that keeps pulling people back in seems to be the faulty logic. Like in your case Dave this idea that you need it to survive a shift. That is categorically not true it can't possibly be true. You want it to make a shift palatable. I think even if you don't change jobs accepting that you can work clean even if it means you're miserable would be a big achievement even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.

Good luck with the courts hope you make it through unscathed

 

[David.]

I'm working with a client on quitting cochineal at the moment. I'm using a cbt model that is pretty straight forward and seems to be going well.

Thing that keeps pulling people back in seems to be the faulty logic. Like in your case Dave this idea that you need it to survive a shift. That is categorically not true it can't possibly be true. You want it to make a shift palatable. I think even if you don't change jobs accepting that you can work clean even if it means you're miserable would be a big achievement even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.

Good luck with the courts hope you make it through unscathed

Ah no ive changed jobs and have gotten rid of the drugs.

Thanks for checking in

(Ps its boring as fuck and i have no sustainable energy atm)

 

[David.]

I am so fucking sick.

Nauseas more than im not. Cant tell if its adderall or sugar withdrawal, or motion sickness. This is fucking torture. Ive barely been able to work this last week. Or stay awake out of illness.

 

[David.]

Cravings. Lucked out that doctor shopping is difficult and id prefer just not to.

Tough getting yourself back together.. That shit was incendiary. Dopamine and serotonin shotgun blasts. Norepinephrine and epinephrine drains. Zero chance to stabilize mood or diet or sleep cycle. This just shouldn't be on the market.

Was exhaustex for a few days, sick for a few more. Still trying to fix diet and sleep cycle. They all tie together. Once onr thing gets off track, it makes it harder the next day. And one wheel falls off, they all do. Getting panic attacks. Lots of napping. Wake up, sugar craving. Goodbye energy and norepinephrine. Hello cortisol. Cycle.

If nothing else, i did cover a lot of ground exploring and revitalizing intellectual curiosity. But fuck that shit. Im just done. Permanently. Feels like i just woke up.

 

[The Human Q-Tip]

Cravings. Lucked out that doctor shopping is difficult and id prefer just not to.

Tough getting yourself back together.. That shit was incendiary. Dopamine and serotonin shotgun blasts. Norepinephrine and epinephrine drains. Zero chance to stabilize mood or diet or sleep cycle. This just shouldn't be on the market.

Was exhaustex for a few days, sick for a few more. Still trying to fix diet and sleep cycle. They all tie together. Once onr thing gets off track, it makes it harder the next day. And one wheel falls off, they all do. Getting panic attacks. Lots of napping. Wake up, sugar craving. Goodbye energy and norepinephrine. Hello cortisol. Cycle.

If nothing else, i did cover a lot of ground exploring and revitalizing intellectual curiosity. But fuck that shit. Im just done. Permanently. Feels like i just woke up.

I'm assuming you mean that in a good way?

 

[David.]

I'm assuming you mean that in a good way?

Lol for the most part, yea. Im not trying to kill myself. State is improving but dopamine is pretty low.