The mental health thread

[Jordan]

So, for months, I have been contemplating whether or not to post my story in this thread. I decided now is the right time.

I have dealt with depression forever. My mom, grandmother, father, and grandfather all deal with it. I made it 23.5 years without needing any medication. Going to therapy and just talking stuff out with friends was usually enough.

Anyways, last year as I started my PhD program, it hit hard. First, I was having concerns about my capability intellectually. It felt like every one of my accomplishments was a mix of luck and manipulation, and not because I was actually smart.

The second big part was relationships. I have posted here before, but I have a combination of genetic disorders that lead to me wearing leg braces, walking with a limp, degenerate muscle, and break a lot of bones. A number of times this has effected relationships, as it is easy to say you don't mind dating someone like that, but it is not always reality. I've had enough bad experiences that this became an issue. And when that becomes an issue, for me anyways, I start questioning everything.

For example, my best friend is married, and another close friend is getting married. So it was not just about me not being in a relationship, but I became convinced that my closest friendships would deteriorate because I was single. It literally became the exact fear that I would die alone.

This all coalesced at the same time and I hit absolute darkness. I would get home from work and stare at my television, without it turned on, in absolute darkness, for hours. I would sleep just to not have to think about anything.

It got really bad. I wouldn't say I was suicidal, but I had planned exactly how I would do it. I stopped talking to people. I could not even enjoy watching the NBA.

My sister and a few other friends noticed, and they encouraged me to see my PCP and get on an anti-depressant. I did, and he put me on Wellbutrin Extended Release, and I've gotten better. The first four weeks of it I was even worse, but when it kicked in, the clouds lifted.

Again, I still have bad days/weeks. Talking to someone helps. But depression is a real medical issue, and it is not just about "putting on a happy face." I am a really positive guy. But organic depression does not care.

I am not sure if there are any takeaways from this story. I just want anyone on this forum who his struggling with depression to know I support you. If anyone needs to talk, just PM me, and I'll be sure to respond. I am no therapist, and my advice may be shit, but I know how value conversation can be.

 

[Sir'Dom Pointer]

So, for months, I have been contemplating whether or not to post my story in this thread. I decided now is the right time.

I have dealt with depression forever. My mom, grandmother, father, and grandfather all deal with it. I made it 23.5 years without needing any medication. Going to therapy and just talking stuff out with friends was usually enough.

Anyways, last year as I started my PhD program, it hit hard. First, I was having concerns about my capability intellectually. It felt like every one of my accomplishments was a mix of luck and manipulation, and not because I was actually smart.

The second big part was relationships. I have posted here before, but I have a combination of genetic disorders that lead to me wearing leg braces, walking with a limp, degenerate muscle, and break a lot of bones. A number of times this has effected relationships, as it is easy to say you don't mind dating someone like that, but it is not always reality. I've had enough bad experiences that this became an issue. And when that becomes an issue, for me anyways, I start questioning everything.

For example, my best friend is married, and another close friend is getting married. So it was not just about me not being in a relationship, but I became convinced that my closest friendships would deteriorate because I was single. It literally became the exact fear that I would die alone.

This all coalesced at the same time and I hit absolute darkness. I would get home from work and stare at my television, without it turned on, in absolute darkness, for hours. I would sleep just to not have to think about anything.

It got really bad. I wouldn't say I was suicidal, but I had planned exactly how I would do it. I stopped talking to people. I could not even enjoy watching the NBA.

My sister and a few other friends noticed, and they encouraged me to see my PCP and get on an anti-depressant. I did, and he put me on Wellbutrin Extended Release, and I've gotten better. The first four weeks of it I was even worse, but when it kicked in, the clouds lifted.

Again, I still have bad days/weeks. Talking to someone helps. But depression is a real medical issue, and it is not just about "putting on a happy face." I am a really positive guy. But organic depression does not care.

I am not sure if there are any takeaways from this story. I just want anyone on this forum who his struggling with depression to know I support you. If anyone needs to talk, just PM me, and I'll be sure to respond. I am no therapist, and my advice may be shit, but I know how value conversation can be.

You made me tear up.

I'm still very much in the darkness and everyday I feel like I might do it, but I don't because i'm afraid I might fuck it up.

Unlike you, I don't want this life, I don't expect anything good out of it, I feel like my life was taken away from me and I don't want to live it with the cards that I got.

I applaud you and I hope everything is going to turn out for the best.

 

[cavman]

So, for months, I have been contemplating whether or not to post my story in this thread. I decided now is the right time.

I have dealt with depression forever. My mom, grandmother, father, and grandfather all deal with it. I made it 23.5 years without needing any medication. Going to therapy and just talking stuff out with friends was usually enough.

Anyways, last year as I started my PhD program, it hit hard. First, I was having concerns about my capability intellectually. It felt like every one of my accomplishments was a mix of luck and manipulation, and not because I was actually smart.

The second big part was relationships. I have posted here before, but I have a combination of genetic disorders that lead to me wearing leg braces, walking with a limp, degenerate muscle, and break a lot of bones. A number of times this has effected relationships, as it is easy to say you don't mind dating someone like that, but it is not always reality. I've had enough bad experiences that this became an issue. And when that becomes an issue, for me anyways, I start questioning everything.

For example, my best friend is married, and another close friend is getting married. So it was not just about me not being in a relationship, but I became convinced that my closest friendships would deteriorate because I was single. It literally became the exact fear that I would die alone.

This all coalesced at the same time and I hit absolute darkness. I would get home from work and stare at my television, without it turned on, in absolute darkness, for hours. I would sleep just to not have to think about anything.

It got really bad. I wouldn't say I was suicidal, but I had planned exactly how I would do it. I stopped talking to people. I could not even enjoy watching the NBA.

My sister and a few other friends noticed, and they encouraged me to see my PCP and get on an anti-depressant. I did, and he put me on Wellbutrin Extended Release, and I've gotten better. The first four weeks of it I was even worse, but when it kicked in, the clouds lifted.

Again, I still have bad days/weeks. Talking to someone helps. But depression is a real medical issue, and it is not just about "putting on a happy face." I am a really positive guy. But organic depression does not care.

I am not sure if there are any takeaways from this story. I just want anyone on this forum who his struggling with depression to know I support you. If anyone needs to talk, just PM me, and I'll be sure to respond. I am no therapist, and my advice may be shit, but I know how value conversation can be.

I felt the same way when I saw all my friends, brothers, and sister move on with their lives, and here I am. The same guy I was when I was 18. It took me almost 40 years to come to grips with my depression. It's a struggle every day. Dating is extremely difficult with a disability, even harder being a man with a disability. I am still working on my depression, I have not found a good way to manage it yet. Wellbutrin is what I take also, but I think I'm going to switch. It makes me say weird things in public. Those thoughts would always stay in my head, but that pill lets them out.

 

[Jordan]

You made me tear up.

I'm still very much in the darkness and everyday I feel like I might do it, but I don't because i'm afraid I might fuck it up.

Unlike you, I don't want this life, I don't expect anything good out of it, I feel like my life was taken away from me and I don't want to live it with the cards that I got.

I applaud you and I hope everything is going to turn out for the best.

I've been there. I was engaging in incredibly risky behavior, and if the situation allowed, would have done something that would have killed me if it could protect people. Again, I was not planning on a suicide, but definitely knew how it would be done.

I wish I could give you some advice. I know how lucky I am. But I'll echo what the professionals in here have said. Finding a professional to talk to and maybe getting on an antidepressant were really helpful for me.

Your situation is somewhat similar to mine, although seemingly more severe. I've dealt with the physical issues my entire life. It's something I struggle with every day. I wish I could go hiking, join a basketball team, etc. I wish I hadn't been told that my disability is "an elephant in the room" when it comes to relationships. I wish I was able to go out drinking with people my freshman year, and not worry about falling/breaking bones.

It's tough stuff. And it still leads me to having bad days. The best thing for me was finding friends who are friends regardless of my issues. But, even then, when I slipped into depression I viewed myself as a burden, and opted not to talk about it. That was a mistake, but if it happened again, I can see myself doing it over.

 

[Sir'Dom Pointer]

I felt the same way when I saw all my friends, brothers, and sister move on with their lives, and here I am. The same guy I was when I was 18. It took me almost 40 years to come to grips with my depression. It's a struggle every day. Dating is extremely difficult with a disability, even harder being a man with a disability. I am still working on my depression, I have not found a good way to manage it yet. Wellbutrin is what I take also, but I think I'm going to switch. It makes me say weird things in public. Those thoughts would always stay in my head, but that pill lets them out.

You know, when I was on pills I also used to say stupid stuff and I wasn't ever aware I was saying them. I was insensitive to others, my speech was upbeat and I was hyperactive in a way. I saw a long clip of myself talking during an extended family meeting and i was just so weird. I didn't recognize myself.. i always got positive feedback from my enviroment or so I thought, but watching that video when when I was off the pills was mind boggling.

I also noticed that you can't fall in love when you are on pills.. can't explain it, but you are "stable" so you have no extreme feeling to either spectrum and "love" is an extreme feelign that I just didn't have.

I just want to be my old self, not this stranger that I was with when I was on the pills. Its fucked up and I don't know what's worse.. probably being
not being on them, but I don't want to live like that for the rest of my fucking life.

 

[Jordan]

I felt the same way when I saw all my friends, brothers, and sister move on with their lives, and here I am. The same guy I was when I was 18. It took me almost 40 years to come to grips with my depression. It's a struggle every day. Dating is extremely difficult with a disability, even harder being a man with a disability. I am still working on my depression, I have not found a good way to manage it yet. Wellbutrin is what I take also, but I think I'm going to switch. It makes me say weird things in public. Those thoughts would always stay in my head, but that pill lets them out.

A lot of people have that problem with wellbutrin. I, thankfully, don't have that problem.

The big problem I have is that people seem to be fine with the disability, until the first thing happens, and then it falls apart. A number of years ago I was at a party dancing with a girl that I was flirting/dating with. My kneecap popped out of socket (not uncommon for me), and then she literally shut me out for a full week, and then explained why she couldn't date me.

It's enough that I have a problem. I can't date someone unless I know them and that they wouldn't hold those positions, and by that point I am friend-zoned. I try dating apps but I kind of hate it. It definitely makes me more depressed.

I lost 50 pounds this year, and thought that would help with the confidence thing, but so far it is not working.

 

[cavman]

A lot of people have that problem with wellbutrin. I, thankfully, don't have that problem.

The big problem I have is that people seem to be fine with the disability, until the first thing happens, and then it falls apart. A number of years ago I was at a party dancing with a girl that I was flirting/dating with. My kneecap popped out of socket (not uncommon for me), and then she literally shut me out for a full week, and then explained why she couldn't date me.

It's enough that I have a problem. I can't date someone unless I know them and that they wouldn't hold those positions, and by that point I am friend-zoned. I try dating apps but I kind of hate it. It definitely makes me more depressed.

I lost 50 pounds this year, and thought that would help with the confidence thing, but so far it is not working.

Did you say you were 23?

 

[Jordan]

Did you say you were 23?

Just turned 25!

 

[Sir'Dom Pointer]

I've been there. I was engaging in incredibly risky behavior, and if the situation allowed, would have done something that would have killed me if it could protect people. Again, I was not planning on a suicide, but definitely knew how it would be done.

I wish I could give you some advice. I know how lucky I am. But I'll echo what the professionals in here have said. Finding a professional to talk to and maybe getting on an antidepressant were really helpful for me.

Your situation is somewhat similar to mine, although seemingly more severe. I've dealt with the physical issues my entire life. It's something I struggle with every day. I wish I could go hiking, join a basketball team, etc. I wish I hadn't been told that my disability is "an elephant in the room" when it comes to relationships. I wish I was able to go out drinking with people my freshman year, and not worry about falling/breaking bones.

It's tough stuff. And it still leads me to having bad days. The best thing for me was finding friends who are friends regardless of my issues. But, even then, when I slipped into depression I viewed myself as a burden, and opted not to talk about it. That was a mistake, but if it happened again, I can see myself doing it over.

Do you enjoy the NBA again? ever since I stopped playing basketball and sunk into this deep depression it became much more analytical and less about enjoyment. I remember after the Cavs lost Irving and Love back in 2014-2015 and lost that finals I was crushed. I went to therapy at the time and that was the only thing I was talking about. I couldn't let go of the feeling that we were supposed to win that thing, I was analyzing everything again and again in my mind, and what the coach could have done better and what not.

I remember that during that season I would stay up until 6am and watch every god damn game of every team.. I used to enjoy it back then.

I think now this season is do or die for me, I don't know why. I need to enjoy this season, I need them to play well even during the regular season, I need this for my own health. I even need this Nets pick to be good.
I know that's weird, but I feel that right now in my lowest times, I feel like this team is all I have and when they play like shit, I feel like shit and when they play well and enjoy themselves that also makes me feel better. That's fucked up, but that's what it is.

Your situation is sad. I don't know how someone would feel if he never had a chance to experience good health or feeling of equality or even superiority. I have had times when I felt superior to others, there were times when I felt equal and now for the last 7 years when I feel inferior to the point of nonexisting.

I don't know what's harder.. feeling like you have been stripped of your traits and knowing what it felt like to be different while knowing that this is only going to get worse from now on, or never feeling that way?

It's tough finding friends at that age with physical problems. Even if friends want your company, you don't always want theirs even though it's better than being alone. I view myself as a burden because people behave differently now around me. I feel like I bring the atmosphere down, like my mood is inflicting on everybody. I know what my friends really want to do, they don't want to try to cheer me up.

I'm still pondering whether I should go on an Antidepressants.. because i'm not sure I want to continue. Actually i'm pretty sure I don't.

 

[Sir'Dom Pointer]

Just turned 25!

I thought you were 30+ for sure. Happy Birthday? I hate birthdays.

 

[cavman]

Just turned 25!

Awesome. And from reading your post it looks like you got a great career ahead of you? If that is the case then I think you're going to be just fine if you can make sure you keep the depression under control. The women will come in time. Get laser focused on making money, that's what will matter in the end. If you have a great life financially someone is going to want to be a part of it.

If you just want sex, well I can say in your 30's there is not a shortage of women who will sit on my face, they are just a bit heavier.

 

[Jordan]

Do you enjoy the NBA again? ever since I stopped playing basketball and sunk into this deep depression it became much more analytical and less about enjoyment. I remember after the Cavs lost Irving and Love back in 2014-2015 and lost that finals I was crushed. I went to therapy at the time and that was the only thing I was talking about. I couldn't let go of the feeling that we were supposed to win that thing, I was analyzing everything again and again in my mind, and what the coach could have done better and what not.

I remember that during that season I would stay up until 6am and watch every god damn game of every team.. I used to enjoy it back then.

I think now this season is do or die for me, I don't know why. I need to enjoy this season, I need them to play well even during the regular season, I need this for my own health. I even need this Nets pick to be good.
I know that's weird, but I feel that right now in my lowest times, I feel like this team is all I have and when they play like shit, I feel like shit and when they play well and enjoy themselves that also makes me feel better. That's fucked up, but that's what it is.

Your situation is sad. I don't know how someone would feel if he never had a chance to experience good health or feeling of equality or even superiority. I have had times when I felt superior to others, there were times when I felt equal and now for the last 7 years when I feel inferior to the point of nonexisting.

I don't know what's harder.. feeling like you have been stripped of your traits and knowing what it felt like to be different while knowing that this is only going to get worse from now on, or never feeling that way?

It's tough finding friends at that age with physical problems. Even if friends want your company, you don't always want theirs even though it's better than being alone. I view myself as a burden because people behave differently now around me. I feel like I bring the atmosphere down, like my mood is inflicting on everybody. I know what my friends really want to do, they don't want to try to cheer me up.

I'm still pondering whether I should go on an Antidepressants.. because i'm not sure I want to continue. Actually i'm pretty sure I don't.

After I started anti-depressants I began to enjoy basketball again. Now, if I get depressed, watching is what I do in order to feel better. That was the biggest benefit of the ADs, it let me figure out what to do in order to get out of funks.

My advice - and again, I'm a total lay person - is that ADs are worth a shot. I think people care about you... I know you would be missed on this forum. That may sound silly, but it is 100% true. And if that's true, I'm sure it is true in "real life."

Constantly going on is tough. For me, the ADs made it significantly easier.

I thought you were 30+ for sure. Happy Birthday? I hate birthdays.

Haha, nope. 25! Thank you!

 

[Jordan]

Awesome. And from reading your post it looks like you got a great career ahead of you? If that is the case then I think you're going to be just fine if you can make sure you keep the depression under control. The women will come in time. Get laser focused on making money, that's what will matter in the end. If you have a great life financially someone is going to want to be a part of it.

If you just want sex, well I can say in your 30's there is not a shortage of women who will sit on my face, they are just a bit heavier.

haha, thank you! And sex is not really that important for me. Like, I enjoy sex, but I would much rather have a relationship where sex is rarer but there is love, etc. than the opposite. I am definitely not asexual, but sex is really a secondary need for me when it comes to relationships.

And thank you! I really do appreciate it.

Also, and it is unrelated, but this forum was huge in maintaining my sanity. It really is a special place.

 

[cavman]

haha, thank you! And sex is not really that important for me. Like, I enjoy sex, but I would much rather have a relationship where sex is rarer but there is love, etc. than the opposite. I am definitely not asexual, but sex is really a secondary need for me when it comes to relationships.

And thank you! I really do appreciate it.

Also, and it is unrelated, but this forum was huge in maintaining my sanity. It really is a special place.

Dude don't even get me started on how great this forum has been. If I am sad, there is a @David. @The Oi @gourimoko @Huber. and a ton more that make me laugh my ass off.

 

[David.]

Anyone who has experience with Lamotrigine, how has sleep been?