Got an hour to kill before I do my pre-Takeover booze run, so it's 'Mania preview time. Whew...this is gonna take some time.
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KICKOFF Match - The Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Ah, the annual time of the year when the WWE memorializes one of their all-time greats by putting on a boring, lifeless match featuring a bunch of jobbers with no actual reward for winning. Yay? There are three people who can win this one. 1. The Big Show in a sendoff match, as he's stated this is his last match. 2. Braun Strowman, who is the heir apparent to Show. 3. Sami Zayn, who beat Kevin Owens to get into the match in the first place. Why they didn't save Strowman/Show for a singles retirement match at 'Mania, I have no idea. Still, the smart money in this one is on Strowman emerging victorious.
Winner: Braun Strowman
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KICKOFF Match for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship - Neville (c) Vs. Austin Aries
I fully expect this to be one of the best matches of the night, which makes it all the more sad that it's been relegated to the pre-show. Neville has been great during his heel run and Aries is the perfect high-profile opponent to face him at Wrestlemania. This is a tough one to call, as I could see either guy winning. I'm going to go with Neville, simply because he's been the perfect champ to elevate the Cruiserweight Division and should be allowed to continue doing so.
Winner: Neville
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Smackdown Women's Championship Match - Alexa Bliss (c) Vs. Becky Lynch Vs. Natalya Vs. Mickie James Vs. Carmella Vs. Naomi
I'm still not really sure what the fuck is going on with this match, and I'm not sure the WWE is either. They originally advertised it as Bliss versus every available woman on Smackdown, but now they're saying it's a six pack challenge. Who the fuck knows? Hell, who the fuck cares? The WWE pissed on themselves by ruining Naomi's return five days early. She would have gotten a massive pop for a surprise return in her hometown at Wrestlemania, but instead they spoiled the surprise a week early in fucking Richmond. I honestly think this company sometimes outlines the smart thing to do and then intentionally does the opposite. Regardless, I think Naomi wins. She seemed primed for a title run before she got hurt, she's criminally underrated in the ring, and she's finally found a gimmick that the fans pop for (although this match likely taking place in daylight will somewhat undermine her cool entrance). Might as well give her the belt and see what she can do with it.
Winner: Naomi
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WWE Intercontinental Championship Match - Dean Ambrose (c) Vs. Baron Corbin
Dean Ambrose was the perfect choice to derail the momentum of the Intercontinental Championship that Miz spent the better part of a year making relevant again. He's proceeded to do absolutely nothing with the belt. I also feel like this match, like several on the card, would have been made better by some sort of stipulation. No DQ would have done wonders here. Instead, I expect another in a long string of bland Dean Ambrose matches. I just hope they put the belt on Corbin. He might be a total prick (and not just his character), but at least he's shown improvement.
Winner: Baron Corbin
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Raw Tag Team Championship Ladder Match - Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson (c) Vs. Cesaro & Sheamus Vs. Enzo & Cass
Both the Raw and Smackdown tag divisions have been pretty godawful since the brand split (the Smackdown tag champs don't even get to defend their titles, for fuck's sake), but I will admit that adding the ladder stipulation actually made this match interesting. I find the stipulation curious, though, as it was thrown in at the very last minute. It's almost as if they are planning to bring back a tag team who specializes in that sort of match. With that in mind, I predict a surprise (sort of) return at Wrestlemania, and I predict they will be added to this match. The Broken Hardys make their triumphant return to the WWE, and they start by deleting the Raw tag champs and taking home the gold. I don't know if they injure one of the teams and take their place or are simply added to the match as a fourth team, but I think it happens and I think they win.
Winner: The Broken Hardys
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John Cena & Nikki Bella Vs. The Miz and Maryse
This match pretty obviously would have been much better without the women involved (especially Maryse, who is a shit wrestler). The feud itself has been pretty great, with both teams taking a lot of cheap shots and doing tons of shoot promos. I was disappointed that they had Miz act like such a bitch on Tuesday, though, as it will only make him look worse when he inevitably loses this one. And the Miz does not deserve to look worse right now. He's doing the best work of his career, both in the ring and on the mic. He had a contender for best match of 2016, for fuck's sake! Did anyone think heading into 2016 that the Miz would be anywhere on a list like that? Anyway, my prediction:
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Raw Women's Championship Elimination Match - Bayley (c) Vs. Charlotte Flair Vs. Sasha Banks Vs. Nia Jax
Nowhere is the shit booking and planning in the WWE more obvious than the Raw women's division. First, Bayley wins the title before Wrestlemania. What the fuck was the point of that? You should build to your top faces winning at big shows. Second, Charlotte's PPV streak ends before Wrestlemania. Again, what the fuck was the point of that? You've got a big winning streak for a top heel and you end it a month before your biggest show of the year? Third, Sasha Banks not going over Charlotte in the first place was stupid. She should have ended their feud at Hell in a Cell and went on to turn heel and work her way up to a 'Mania match where Bayley goes over. Fourth, I feel like Nia Jax was added to this match just to make it less fun. Anyway, I'm going to go with the Sasha Banks heel turn for the win after it comes down to Bayley and her.
Winner: Sasha Banks
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WWE United States Championship Match - Chris Jericho (c) Vs. Kevin Owens
This is another match that feels like it should have had a stipulation. Hell in a Cell would have been perfect given the violent and personal nature of this feud, but a street fight or no disqualification match would have worked as well. Anything to spice it up a bit. I still feel like it'll end up being one of the best matches of the night, though. This match should be for the Universal Championship, but the WWE hates us. This has been the hottest feud in the company for weeks now and it should make for a great, interactive crowd. Anyway, Jericho puts over Owens for the gold.
Winner: Kevin Owens
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Shane McMahon Vs. AJ Styles
Hey, another match that should have had some sort of stipulation! Does anyone want to see Shane McMahon in a straight one-on-one wrestling match? No! His entire resume is made up of big, dangerous spots and terrible punches. The former is basically all he's good at, and the less spoken of the latter the better. My hope is that this is just a brutal beatdown by Styles.
Winner: AJ Styles
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The Undertaker Vs. Roman Reigns
Rumor has it that this match is going on last, which means it's probably going to be Taker's last match. Why the fuck they wouldn't advertise that is beyond me, but this is the WWE we're talking about. They're in the business of making money despite terrible decisions. Reigns is going to get absolutely killed by the crowd in this match, which makes it all the more baffling that they plan to put it on last and continue to pretend that he's the face here. I mean, I thought the entire justification for putting the title on Goldberg was so that Goldberg/Lesnar could main event. If it's not going to, what the fuck was the point of all that? Not only that, but Taker can barely move, which means we're probably going to get an even worse main event than last year's Reigns/HHH shitshow. I just hope this one is shorter.
Winner: Roman Reigns
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Non-Sanctioned Match - Seth Rollins Vs. Triple H
While it took forever and a day for us to get there, the build for this one has been pretty good the past several weeks. They worked the injury angle with Rollins, and Triple H has obviously been continually targeting his injured leg while cutting great promos. Rollins is finally turning into the face he should have been when he came back from injury and the WWE stubbornly kept him a heel simply so he wouldn't take the shine from Roman. This match seems pretty obviously designed to put over Rollins, and I think Triple H will really bring his A-game to put over his protege.
Winner: Seth Rollins
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WWE Championship Match - Bray Wyatt (c) Vs. Randy Orton
I totally forgot this was even on the card until I looked it up. This is going to be a long fucking show. Still, I expect this one to be one of the better matches of the evening. The feud itself has been pretty dumb, though. Everyone and their mother knew that Orton was going to turn on Wyatt. Wyatt himself seemed to be the only one in the dark. Further, Orton said he worked with Wyatt to learn the location of the Wyatt compound. Why couldn't he have just asked New Day? They were fucking there a few months ago! Orton has committed arson and desecrated a grave, and he's just giving batshit crazy promos right and left. He hears voices in his head, I know, but perhaps he should be committed? Sadly, this feud seems designed to put Orton over rather than Wyatt, which seems ass backwards, but again, this is the WWE we're talking about.
Winner: Randy Orton
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WWE Universal Championship - Goldberg (c) Vs. Brock Lesnar
We've got a fifty-year-old who, even in his prime, couldn't wrestle against one of the laziest workers in the WWE. At least this one should be short! I predict that the match will start off like their last two meetings, with Goldberg getting the upper hand and hitting Lesnar with the spear and jackhammer. Only this time, Lesnar kicks out. Goldberg is stunned, as he's never had to do
three wrestling moves before. Completely off of his game, Goldberg allows Brock to get the upper hand, Brock tosses him around like a ragdoll for a minute or two, then F-5's him for the win. Simple, easy, totally fucking pointless. So nice that Goldberg got to have a title run he didn't need with a belt he never even defended between winning and losing it.
Winner: Brock Lesnar
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There are some matches I'm looking forward to, but really this just feels like an epic clusterfuck of a card. There are too many matches, and I suspect that, much like last year, this show is really going to feel its length. Wrestling shows shouldn't be over four hours long. Hell, three is pushing it unless you have a lot of quality matches lined up. This show is like seven hours long, and there are going to be a few duds in there. By main event time, the crowd is going to be pissed, ready to go home, and totally willing to let all that frustration and hatred out on "top face" Roman Reigns. So we get year three of Roman Reigns main eventing the biggest show of the year as the top face to a chorus of boos.
