[Krolik1157]

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is LeBron James. You might recognize me from the commercials, billboards, and print ads that are basically everywhere nowadays. (At least in America-for all of you in China, it won't be long now.)

I had myself a pretty good year last year. In the regular season, I was pretty much the balls; I put up a 31.4/7.0/6.6, won 50 games with no supporting cast, and drained a few game-winners when some little sportswriters starting yapping about how I wasn't clutch. In a close race for the MVP between Kobe Bryant and me, I lost to Steve Nash. (I'm still confused about that one, too.) Then in the playoffs, I was even more the balls; I closed out Washington by myself, including drilling two sick game-winners, and took Detroit to the brink of elimination when everyone thought I would lose in 5 games. By the way, I was 21. When Michael Jordan was that age, he put up 19.6/5.3/2.1. For North Carolina. LeBron James wants you to think about that.

From there, everything pretty much went downhill. That little ****bag Dwayne Wade somehow pulled 4 straight wins out of his ass when his team was down 2-0 to Dallas, and I had to sit there and say that I was happy for him. Then I decided to go to Japan and fight for my country, even though Larry Brown had ruined my last olympics by sitting me, Dwayne, Amare, and Carmelo on the bench while he started Iverson, Marbury, and Jefferson. You know why? Because LeBron James loves America. I ended up taking all sorts of crap for that, because we only got a Bronze in a single-elimination tournament, which would be like people wanting to fire coach K for only making it to the Final Four. All those international teams play like bracket-busters, jacking up 3s and praying to their pagan gods for enough makes, and those SOBs from Greece sacrificed a ram or some crap and won. Now I'm lazy for going over and not winning. Sorry for trying, everyone. Maybe I should have sat at home like Shaq and KG, or pretended to be Canadian so that I wouldn't have to deal with the pressure at all, like Nash.

Then Sports Illustrated just decided to add insult to injury. They put me, Wade, and Carmelo on the season preview cover, but they screwed up. My idea was to have me in a sweet medieval throne with Wade and 'Melo kneeling at my feet and Gilbert Arenas' head on one of those things they put boar heads on. (That woulda been sweet. Also, there would have been a lion somewhere. I freaking love lions. When I grow my beard, it looks like a lion's mane. Lions have sweet manes.) Instead, they released 3 covers with Wade, me, and Carmelo there equally, like we were equal or something. First off, Carmelo. If they ever have a cover story on which 25 ppg scorer could also be a character on "The Wire," then Carmelo gets that cover in a heartbeat. Other than that, there's no reason to put him on the same cover as me. There's no reason to have him in the same magazine as me. He's a great scorer who can't pass, rebound or carry a team to any kind of sucess. I'm the messiah. Don't insult me with Carmelo. And if you want to put Wade on the same cover as me, then you have to put put Shaq and Zydrunas on the same cover with the headline "Veteran Centers are Dominating the League," and not laugh. That's the deal. Whatever. I'm not nearly done with Wade yet.

Then the actual season started. We started out hot, shutting up that cocky prick Arenas on the first night and beating the Spurs the next night, and I made Tim Duncan my bitch. Check it out-it’s on YouTube. Then Larry got hurt, because he’s made of glass, and we started to lose a little bit. Then he came back and played like he was legally blind, and we continued to lose. It’s not like we were the Hawks or anything, but we definitely weren’t the elite team we were supposed to be. Over the off-season, Mike Brown’s fat ass had decided to completely revamp our offense, since he thought that just sending me off pick-and-rolls wasn’t enough to win games. He knew that in the NBA, it’s not enough to just have one or two extremely talented players run a simple high screen and let other players benefit from the open looks it creates; you need 5 players constantly cutting, screening, and moving, making quality passes and getting good looks. Wait, that’s a passage from “High School Girls Basketball for Dummies.” In the NBA, every quality team in the league runs a simple set, gives the ball to their superstar and gets the hell out of the way, and uses fast-breaks to get easy baskets whenever they can, but I guess nobody told Mike Brown.

So everyone’s excited about this “equal-opportunity offense.” They said it would take the pressure off me and allow us to win without me dominating every night. So we put it in, and we were on pace for another 50-win season, and I was pretty much doing what I’d been doing last year, except I was taking less shots, LIKE I THOUGHT I WAS FREAKING SUPPOSED TO. Also, I starting having trouble with my free throws. It’s really just a mental thing; if I can stop worrying about missing them, I’ll drain them all day. (On a related note, I’d like to give a big thank-you to every sportswriter and broadcaster in America for printing a column about how I shouldn’t let free throws get into my head. That really, really helped. I hate you all.) So I’m taking less shots, and we’re winning a good amount without me having to dominate every night (which was the plan, remember?) So I’m chilling with LeBron Jr. and thinking everything’s cool, when all of a sudden I log onto ESPN.com with the computer on my diving board and I see that people are starting to rip me. People are dissing me. Not directly, at first; they’re just saying that Nash and Yao and Dirk and Wade are the MVP candidates, and failing to mention the King. Then they really started getting into it; bloggers and Hollinger started talking about how much better Wade is than I am. (To recap: the plan was that I not try to dominate the ball and let the team win games. I wasn’t dominating the ball, and my team was winning. Meanwhile, Wade was dominating the ball and his team was losing. Of course that means he’s better than me. I hate Wade so much. I’m still not done with his pious little ass.) Then it got pushed up another level; the fans here turned on me, saying that I wasn’t living up to my potential and was slacking off. Sorry for not living up to the Cleveland tradition of excellence, set by greats like Darius Miles, Ricky Davis, Tim Couch, and Manny Ramirez. Sorry I can’t work as hard as all of those guys. You bastards are so lucky I grew up here; if my mom weren’t here, I’d be with Jay-Z in Brooklyn before you could blink. (My Mom’s hella sweet. She’s #1 on my speed-dial.) Then Simmons, king of the bandwagon-jumpers, has decided to take it upon himself to champion the cause that I’m slacking off. (Don’t expect that to change anytime soon; when Bill Simmons gets an idea in his head, like that Tom Brady is better than Peyton Manning, he sticks to it, no matter how wrong he ends up being. He’s the George W. Bush of asshole sportswriters.)

When that chubby little Masshole dissed me, something inside of me just snapped. Which brings me to the point of my letter. I’ve been saying it on the court, so let me say it now off the court: screw you people. Screw all of you people. I hope each and every one of you burn in hell. Before now, Maverick and my boys at Nike have prevented me from speaking my mind, because they think it’ll keep me from being as marketable as I can be, but that’s all over now; I’m going to let out everything I’ve been bottling up since I was 16. Yeah, I listen to critics. I wish Eddie Murphy had been given an Oscar for his heartfelt turn in Dreamgirls. I hate everything about Dwayne Wade. I hate his smile. I hate those ads where he does crap like go to an orphanage, brings the kids basketballs, cures them of blindness, and then walks across water to his Buick. You know why Dwayne Wade is so sweet and unassuming? Because that’s his media persona. If you think he gives kids baskeballs on off days, then you must also believe that I’m actually four people. I believe that rap music has become self-parody. And I’m sick of taking crap for my ads. Everyone does these ads. Mine just don’t suck as much, so people remember them. Sorry I’m a better actor than Wade. Actually, I take that back-Wade should win an Oscar for his work during games, when he waves his arms around and wails like he broke a nail on every one of his drives to the hole. I don’t like Scarface. Yeah, it drives me crazy when people say that I can’t shoot. Did you see that last night? I made an off-balance 3 over Yao Ming. Yao Ming, fool. Yes, I wish I hadn’t gotten my girlfriend knocked up when I was 19, and I’m not thrilled that I’m expecting another kid. (Here's a note to O.J. Mayo: sometimes "I'm on the pill" actually means "If I have your kids, I'm guaranteed $20 million no matter what.") I don’t want to be with my high school sweetheart; I’m LeBron James. I wish I was drilling Rihanna. You know how I really feel about the way this team is playing? I think this team is a joke. My center sits outside the paint and bricks wide-open 15-footers all day; my low-post threat goes 1-9 whenever one of his spirit animals dies or something like that. My starting point guard passes like he’s wearing blinders; my backup point guard shoots like he’s shooting a medicine ball. The backup power forward doesn’t go inside the 3-point line, and never opens his eyes all the way. My $15 million dollar shooting guard plays like he’s shaving points. There are two other “quality” players in this rotation: One has gone 2-17 in the last two games, and the other one is a big man who can't score with his back to the basket, is the worst outside shooter in the league, can't pass, and can't block shots. Other than that, he's a great player. They get cut slack because they’re young, so they’ll mature. Oh, wait. They’re both older than I am. And yet this team is 2 games off of the #1spot in the entire Eastern Conference. Wonder why that is?

So I’ve declared war on the league. I’ve been over 30 points for the last 4 games, and 29 for the last 7, and my FG% is well over 50%. Last night, I put up a 32/12/8 against the team with the best perimeter defender and the best interior defender in the league. I’ll do that whenever I damn well please. By the way, Dwayne Wade put up a 0/0/0 last night, and will be for the next couple weeks. Good thing he decided to go 110% in December and January; now he can be there for his team when they really need him. (By the way, his team has been winning without him.)

In conclusion, I’m here. I’m not saying that I’m back, because I never left. I’m not like Wade, who takes a month or so off whenever he gets tired; I get it done every night, even when my toe hurts like crazy. But now I’m really out for vengeance; I’m going to destroy this entire league, one team at a time. And I want all of you to watch very, very closely.

[Pioneer10]

lol

[WitnessLBJ]

I am not sure what's worse..that I actually read that whole thing or that you actually wrote that whole thing.

But, lol, props for doing that.

[Deadlock]

Hah that is a great read. Did you write that whole thing?

[Pioneer10]

Loved this line:

my low-post threat goes 1-9 whenever one of his spirit animals dies or something like that

[Wine and Gold]

You're a better writer than 95% of the crap that does it for a living ....this site is BLESSED to have you here ....keep up the good work ...

REP

[RonHarperFan]

Originally Posted by Pioneer10

Loved this line:

Gooden and his "spirit animals" Lol

[PIP]

Hilarious.... Best post/thread on this site....

[imahustla]

LOLOL...dude you should be a professional sports writer or something. I was rolling over laughing my ass off reading that thing.

REP coming your way...again.

[B Mac]

Thats great work man. Love it, definately rep coming your way.



I’m not saying that I’m back, because I never left.

[Kypus]

Instant classic

[js6684]

Lebron, I love you

[WitnessVarejao]

That seriously pumped up my view of LeBron 100 times..great post

REP that $#@%

I cant wait for the first person that asks for a link to that

[aaronr]

Like I said, Krolik is #1 RCF poster hands down.

[LeBreezy]

Hilarious! Best message board post I've read, hands down.

And most of it's probably true. You just got me even more pumped for tonight's game and for the playoffs.