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So, for months, I have been contemplating whether or not to post my story in this thread. I decided now is the right time.
I have dealt with depression forever. My mom, grandmother, father, and grandfather all deal with it. I made it 23.5 years without needing any medication. Going to therapy and just talking stuff out with friends was usually enough.
Anyways, last year as I started my PhD program, it hit hard. First, I was having concerns about my capability intellectually. It felt like every one of my accomplishments was a mix of luck and manipulation, and not because I was actually smart.
The second big part was relationships. I have posted here before, but I have a combination of genetic disorders that lead to me wearing leg braces, walking with a limp, degenerate muscle, and break a lot of bones. A number of times this has effected relationships, as it is easy to say you don't mind dating someone like that, but it is not always reality. I've had enough bad experiences that this became an issue. And when that becomes an issue, for me anyways, I start questioning everything.
For example, my best friend is married, and another close friend is getting married. So it was not just about me not being in a relationship, but I became convinced that my closest friendships would deteriorate because I was single. It literally became the exact fear that I would die alone.
This all coalesced at the same time and I hit absolute darkness. I would get home from work and stare at my television, without it turned on, in absolute darkness, for hours. I would sleep just to not have to think about anything.
It got really bad. I wouldn't say I was suicidal, but I had planned exactly how I would do it. I stopped talking to people. I could not even enjoy watching the NBA.
My sister and a few other friends noticed, and they encouraged me to see my PCP and get on an anti-depressant. I did, and he put me on Wellbutrin Extended Release, and I've gotten better. The first four weeks of it I was even worse, but when it kicked in, the clouds lifted.
Again, I still have bad days/weeks. Talking to someone helps. But depression is a real medical issue, and it is not just about "putting on a happy face." I am a really positive guy. But organic depression does not care.
I am not sure if there are any takeaways from this story. I just want anyone on this forum who his struggling with depression to know I support you. If anyone needs to talk, just PM me, and I'll be sure to respond. I am no therapist, and my advice may be shit, but I know how value conversation can be.
I have dealt with depression forever. My mom, grandmother, father, and grandfather all deal with it. I made it 23.5 years without needing any medication. Going to therapy and just talking stuff out with friends was usually enough.
Anyways, last year as I started my PhD program, it hit hard. First, I was having concerns about my capability intellectually. It felt like every one of my accomplishments was a mix of luck and manipulation, and not because I was actually smart.
The second big part was relationships. I have posted here before, but I have a combination of genetic disorders that lead to me wearing leg braces, walking with a limp, degenerate muscle, and break a lot of bones. A number of times this has effected relationships, as it is easy to say you don't mind dating someone like that, but it is not always reality. I've had enough bad experiences that this became an issue. And when that becomes an issue, for me anyways, I start questioning everything.
For example, my best friend is married, and another close friend is getting married. So it was not just about me not being in a relationship, but I became convinced that my closest friendships would deteriorate because I was single. It literally became the exact fear that I would die alone.
This all coalesced at the same time and I hit absolute darkness. I would get home from work and stare at my television, without it turned on, in absolute darkness, for hours. I would sleep just to not have to think about anything.
It got really bad. I wouldn't say I was suicidal, but I had planned exactly how I would do it. I stopped talking to people. I could not even enjoy watching the NBA.
My sister and a few other friends noticed, and they encouraged me to see my PCP and get on an anti-depressant. I did, and he put me on Wellbutrin Extended Release, and I've gotten better. The first four weeks of it I was even worse, but when it kicked in, the clouds lifted.
Again, I still have bad days/weeks. Talking to someone helps. But depression is a real medical issue, and it is not just about "putting on a happy face." I am a really positive guy. But organic depression does not care.
I am not sure if there are any takeaways from this story. I just want anyone on this forum who his struggling with depression to know I support you. If anyone needs to talk, just PM me, and I'll be sure to respond. I am no therapist, and my advice may be shit, but I know how value conversation can be.