About 11 AM on Saturday, while the players were milling around the locker room, I used an old locker room pass that Steve Snapp had given Charles Babb a few seasons back. Pretending to be part of the towel service, I then sat innocently off to the side and listened in as a group of the starters huddled together to discuss what needed to be done to get Ohio State’s fortunes back on track.
“I thought this over, man”, said a voice I couldn’t quite place. “And we ain’t never gonna be the team we should be until we get this statistics thing straightened out”.
“What do you mean?” It was Teddy Ginn!
“Here’s the thing,” said The Voice. “The coaches are convinced that certain stats are more important than the obvious goal – winning. So here’s what we gotta do: we gotta win and mess up all those stats. That’s the plan, man…”
“Hey, I studied the films – what are you talkin’ about?” This time, I recognized Troy Smith.
“Simple”, said The Voice. “Time of possession? We are the best in the conference. Yet we have the worst offense in the conference. Man, it’s silly but we gotta flip that around. And turnover margin? The song goes that we can’t win without winning that margin crap. Whoever thought up this stuff? Oh, yeah, and it’s dead certain that you can’t win without convertin’ 50% or more on third down. It’s in the book, guys”.
At this point, I heard Tressel calling for “Troy Smith and the other one” (I think he meant Zwick…). The Voice was reduced to a whisper. “So here’s my plan. First, we gotta keep the ball away from Troy. Yeah, that’s right. We got a better chance to score on defense if we can limit his touches. So, man, someone has to fumble each time down and let the defense do its thing. You with me guys?”
Tony Pittman spoke up. “It sounds weird but I’ll go along. I’ll take care of the first fumble”.
“Hey, if Tony’s in”, (it was Holmes). “I’ll mess up a kickoff so that the offense doesn’t have to do anything”.
Ginn said, “I don’t know if Dad’s gonna get upset but I can certainly botch another punt without anyone noticing”.
“Great”, said The Voice. “You know that Troy will pitch in once he sees what’s goin’ on. He is the team leader, after all”
“Wait”, Ginn said. “We gotta win, man. This is Ohio State. This is our house!”
The Voice scoffed. “Yeah, and it’s also Michigan State, man. You seen their defense? Well, neither has anyone else! You seen their special teams – that kicker is a joke. He’s worth 7-10 by himself. And remember last year? Listen, we can score 14 any time we want”.
There was a spate of silence. And then Holmes spoke up. “OK, let’s do it. But just to make sure no one messes up the plan, the only guys who get to touch the ball on offense are Troy, me, Teddy and Tony. Got it?”
At this point, Bollman came by and scowled. Said he was looking for some offensive linemen and to break it up. As the players filed out of the locker room, I straightened out some crying towels and busied myself to fit in, my mind reeling with this rush of bizarre information. I wrote all of this down verbatim so that I wouldn’t miss a jot or a tittle of this improbable dialogue.
Later, much later, I went over these notes with a trembling hand. Was it possible? Did it really…?
Well, here are the facts: 1) MSU won the all-important Time of Possession battle by 41 minutes to 19 minutes, yet Ohio State won the game 2) MSU won the absolutely necessary Turnover Margin 4-0, yet Ohio State won the game 3) Ohio State let the defense become the weapon they needed on offense, and Ohio State won the game 4) Ohio State was 1-6 on converting third downs, yet they won the game 5) Ohio State fumbled and bumbled and stumbled their way through 60 minutes of football, yet they won the game and 6) Ohio State kept staking the Spartans to seemingly insurmountable leads, but scored at will in the end and won the game.
Oh yeah, Ohio State won again with fans screaming for an offensive coordinator even as Troy racked up almost 250 yards passing; but the Bucks show they don’t really need one. Plus – did you notice – only four players on offense actually touched the ball the entire game? You know what that means…
If you are looking for answers, you better look up it and you best not ignore The Voice…
