Drug addiction/sobriety

[David.]

I'm so fucking tired. I can't make simple decisions such as if I should eat, and I can't come to try to sleep.

I also want to Fuck like every female in pacific beach at the moment.

I wanted to flirt wildly inappropriately with my best friend girl of ten years back in Ohio, with her husband listening. It was like I thought I could fuck/hate fuck her through the phone


Drug addiction is somewhere between mental illness and disease. Probably both.



I'm unable to make a good decision,or even a basic one at the moment, and I really need to.


..I really cannot figure out if eating is worth it. Frankly I'd take another pill but I think I'll fall asleep within the hour even if I do

 

[The Process God]

I'm so fucking tired. I can't make simple decisions such as if I should eat, and I can't come to try to sleep.

I also want to Fuck like every female in pacific beach at the moment.

I wanted to flirt wildly inappropriately with my best friend girl of ten years back in Ohio, with her husband listening. It was like I thought I could fuck/hate fuck her through the phone


Drug addiction is somewhere between mental illness and disease. Probably both.



I'm unable to make a good decision,or even a basic one at the moment, and I really need to.


..I really cannot figure out if eating is worth it. Frankly I'd take another pill but I think I'll fall asleep within the hour even if I do

Everything in your life has the opportunity to make you stronger or put you closer to being completely broken, and you get to decide which one happens. Just like everyone else, Dave, you've got a hole that you are trying to fill. Fill it with positive, fulfilling things. Not empty, fix-a-flat solutions that can't work long-term. Keep strong.

 

[David.]

Everything in your life has the opportunity to make you stronger or put you closer to being completely broken, and you get to decide which one happens. Just like everyone else, Dave, you've got a hole that you are trying to fill. Fill it with positive, fulfilling things. Not empty, fix-a-flat solutions that can't work long-term. Keep strong.

im in a pretty bad place. i wanna isolate, ive not enough energy to control through process. ive basically conceded the next two weeks and plan on taking adderall to finish this semester off quickly and then getting off it entirely.

but its going to be absolute misery until then.

 

[The Process God]

im in a pretty bad place. i wanna isolate, ive not enough energy to control through process. ive basically conceded the next two weeks and plan on taking adderall to finish this semester off quickly and then getting off it entirely.

but its going to be absolute misery until then.

You isolate because you take Adderall, so then you take Adderall because you are isolated. It's a vicious cycle. A hole that isn't filled with positive things will be filled with negative things automatically just like how darkness perfectly takes residence anywhere there isn't light. You need successful human interaction with positive outcomes.

Dave, I've held this back for months, but I'd recommend checking out a church. I don't even care if you're religious or not because I'm not talking about necessarily accepting Jesus or anything. The chance of you having positive interaction is much higher in a church than pretty much any other place.

Most people there are going to be at a better stage mentally than you and will be able to focus on you rather than themselves like they do at your meetings. A mature Christian wouldn't try to convert you anyway. At least not until you knew eachother really well. And even if one or two do, I think that is a small price to pay for being surrounded by highly positive, healthy influences who can focus on you and help you. And if you ask them to drop the issue, they should.

Look for a non-denominational church with a wide, even age range. That should give you a good start, and non-denominational churchgoers tend to be less pushy and more focusing on just helping you than other, certain denominations.

Just think about it.

 

[David.]

You isolate because you take Adderall, so then you take Adderall because you are isolated. It's a vicious cycle. A hole that isn't filled with positive things will be filled with negative things automatically just like how darkness perfectly takes residence anywhere there isn't light. You need successful human interaction with positive outcomes.

Dave, I've held this back for months, but I'd recommend checking out a church. I don't even care if you're religious or not because I'm not talking about necessarily accepting Jesus or anything. The chance of you having positive interaction is much higher in a church than pretty much any other place.

Most people there are going to be at a better stage mentally than you and will be able to focus on you rather than themselves like they do at your meetings. A mature Christian wouldn't try to convert you anyway. At least not until you knew eachother really well. And even if one or two do, I think that is a small price to pay for being surrounded by highly positive, healthy influences who can focus on you and help you. And if you ask them to drop the issue, they should.

Look for a non-denominational church with a wide, even age range. That should give you a good start, and non-denominational churchgoers tend to be less pushy and more focusing on just helping you than other, certain denominations.

Just think about it.

I take adderall because of my job.

I isolate because I'm unbalanced.

That turns to usage.

But not as much as my job does. It is a cycle, a little differently than you suggested though.

Yes, I'm disappointed in people. That needs to change. I changed my balance lady time and was more ready for more people.

I believe I would see all the wrong things and show no patience in a group. That's why I'm isolating

 

[The Oi]

Dave, I've held this back for months, but I'd recommend checking out a church. I don't even care if you're religious or not because I'm not talking about necessarily accepting Jesus or anything. The chance of you having positive interaction is much higher in a church than pretty much any other place.

Most people there are going to be at a better stage mentally than you and will be able to focus on you rather than themselves like they do at your meetings. A mature Christian wouldn't try to convert you anyway. At least not until you knew eachother really well. And even if one or two do, I think that is a small price to pay for being surrounded by highly positive, healthy influences who can focus on you and help you. And if you ask them to drop the issue, they should.

Look for a non-denominational church with a wide, even age range. That should give you a good start, and non-denominational churchgoers tend to be less pushy and more focusing on just helping you than other, certain denominations.

Just think about it.

I am agnostic and irreligious, but I completely agree that a church could be a good place to go to increase the likelihood of a positive interaction. Particularly for a woman. And I specifically say woman rather than a girl.

Girls are fucking dumb.

 

[David.]

I am agnostic and irreligious, but I completely agree that a church could be a good place to go to increase the likelihood of a positive interaction. Particularly for a woman. And I specifically say woman rather than a girl.

Girls are fucking dumb.

At this point I know that I'm at least.. I'm to blame, on probably a good level.

Control issues. Defensive. No trust. Doesn't make things easy with anyone.

I'm genuinely trying to sit out because anything that comes by me I will chew up and spit out.

There is a very attractive, considerate, aware, smart girl I've been talking to that asked today what I wanted out of us and I just didn't respond.

 

[David.]

Lamar is making actual progress.

Seems to be making lucid thoughts and decisions. Poceded with divorce papers age is using verbiage like "trigger" when referencing Khloe.

Article said he's working on sobriety, best he's been in a long time. I take that as he's not completely clean but he's getting better.

 

[David.]

Tomorrow is Friday. Thought process will go like this:

If I don't take, I won't go through hell Sunday and Monday, and then I can have a chance at RE creating a fun healthy life.

Then

It's Friday. It's time to work.. this is a slow shift. Fuck am I sad. I don't want to feel bored and sad. At all. I can fix this.. but only take one.

Then

Ok it's Saturday.. I was fine taking one. I can prop myself up all day, nothing bad will happen and I feel fucking good.. I don't remember any of the shit that's going on, like that I am incapable of any type of relationship, don't know if I'll have a career or not, or go to prison , and I'll talk to some random 10 tonight on some form of social media and get off together

Sunday: I fucking lost Again. I'm no closer than I was. I'm back in it. I want to fight and argue with literally everyone. I can't move. Nor will I. Or tomorrow. By Wednesday I will start to be coherent again and will be able to take care of menial tasks such add paying the electric bill.

Then it'll be time to suffer through my n.a. mewting

 

[David.]

I used this weekend. Friday was not an issue, Saturday was better than it had been in the last month. I still feel like shit that, but that's what coming down feels like.

And so does failure and regression. Depression, pain, laying about in an unkempt apartment because your scatter brain has been amplified and impulsory.

Why did I use?

Because it FELT FUCKING GOOD.A it felt good to get away from feeling like shit, from getting away from arguing literally with everyone to becoming best friends literally with a hundred people over the weekend.

And now the carriage is a pumpkin again, and I wake after short sleep in disarray, confusion and internal strife.

My plan before Friday was get through school (with drugs) and use drugs to get through work until school is over.

I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm sick of feeling like I do when I'm not coming down as well. There is no fun, happy time!

I cried too my dog today because she is the only person I know I will never feel slighted me, paranoia induced or not. I may be incapable of any real relationship. Beyond the purpose.

That na meeting is awful and helps create a negative stigma towards my recovery. Tomorrow I'm finding a counselor,so I have a support system. So someone can point me in the right direction.

I've stayed away from girls and it feels like shit. I contacted a few pple I shouldn't have and it provided a calm,thin layer of plaster over that hole in the soul.

But it isn't right.I'm not well.

I've been isolating, unfortunately, but I've been finding my roots again. Instead of vegging out on arbitrary zombie TV, I'm watching documentaries on drugs and happiness again. Km trying to catch negative internal thought procrss. I've picked up the aa book again

I'm not well today, and outside of that I don't know much, other than I had a good four months where I was sober and invincible and I know I can get back there. I just have to figure out how.

 

[Chardon]

Move back to Ohio. David.

 

[David.]

Move back to Ohio. David.

God no

 

[Huber.]

God no

Yep. That wall isn't going to build itself down in SD, right Dave?

 

[David.]

Today just trying to keep internal thought process upbeat, positive and healthy and unaggressive

 

[David.]

I am fucking miserable.

I'm handcuffed by circumstance, and the holidays don't make being alone any easier.

Bills, failed a test, slow season, friendships drying up..

Things are getting very tight.