Drug addiction/sobriety

[David.]

Are you talking about your mom?

Yea. Like clockwork, she leaves, I regret behavior, abandonment pain point is hit, and now I chase. If she was a romantic interest, I'd be toast.

And that dynamic happens like every relationship.

If she was EITHER neglectful, OR a perpetual victim needing support, OR just gave me everything I wanted, my needs in relationships would be a little easier at least.. but she was all of those things at different times, so like I'm super fucked.


I need attention , control, someone who legs me walk all over, and if they start to lose interest or back off I lose it. If I can't reel them back in to under my thumb, I become completely cucked, in the non literal sense.

In any event I have not gone 3 days interested in someone without false dynamics (Bianca the dominatrix) in.. well twice in ten years

 

[David.]

I'll throw in my issues, maybe an adult can help.

I can only binge drink. There is no ability for me to stop after one drink. I'm 23. It had the ability to cut it for months, and then have weekends were I'm basically obliterated for two nights in a row for a solid month straight. I refuse to go in situations where I'll be inclined to drink during the week, and it vastly eliminates social life.

Are there negative affects to binging?

It's only a problem if it's a problem

 

[David.]

How much longer is your mom in town for?

She left Thursday.

I got no sleep. We did nothing. I feel so bad. She came out here, cleaned my place, made an effort, was admittedly socially.. untrained, and difficult, but I snapped at every fucking thing she said.

And I saw it coming every interaction bit I couldn't stop myself. It was a bad week.

I've profusely apologized and we're talking. She seems to be legitimately happy about it

 

[David.]

I am literally searching for someone to tear as apart emotionally right now but it's 230 am.

Like reach into chest and pull heart out and watch them bleed out by cutting them into shit with verbal missiles.

I'm fucking out of people though.

 

[David.]

Last week was a test to see if I could still work and stay in control when I got home.

I could not. And aggression was..wow. I wasted so much time and money and hurt people's feelings.

I am stepping back down to 1 on Friday's and 2 on Saturday and weening down.

I want to be at zero.

I have so much shit I need to take care of. I've been depressed and unable to get out of bed. Just sleep. Watch something arbitrary. Yearning to fuck, but I can't date right now. Would love some companionship.

Anyways, I have to get what I have to get done. Then I find a new job, then I'm off drugs ( end of semester).



There's a lot of work ahead. I'm starting to gain some momentum. My internal dgialogue is not healthy. Negative, critical, aggressive. My zen is missing.

That gravity isn't there, and feeling like I'm high on life isn't there.

But fuck, here we go. After four weeks of Fuck ups of varying extents, I'm ready.

 

[Surge]

I have so much shit I need to take care of. I've been depressed and unable to get out of bed. Just sleep. Watch something arbitrary. Yearning to fuck, but I can't date right now. Would love some companionship.

Do you have any good guy friends? I mean like someone you can call just to hang out with, watch sports, that does not do drugs and is in part of that scene?

 

[David.]

Do you have any good guy friends? I mean like someone you can call just to hang out with, watch sports, that does not do drugs and is in part of that scene?

One.

He's hit and miss.

I give an unfairly short leash for people in regards to consideration of others and social miscues and he for the most part passes..

I've told him what was up over the last few weeks and that I could use someone to talk to.. his response, if it came, was I should drive for uber.. not exactly a shoulder of support.

Whenever I talk to him about this, he misunderstands. He knows I only use to get through work but he keeps saying we gotta get you off that shit, like I can't stop using any day of the week.

It's nuance but the slight misunderstanding does irritate me.






People at the meetings are.. they haven't asked a single question about me in four months. I'll talk to them and they'll go on, I make people feel comfortable, but goddamn if I'm in a program and literally no one has asked about my battle and issues.

If they're in there they tend to be narcissistic, to put it lightly.



There's people, from high school, to this board, that I talk to because I see they could use the voice in their head.. I try to actually connect with them as a person and see who they are and what they're really struggling with, and how to get them on track emotionally and spiritually..

Maybe I'm asking too much but I never, every get that back.. I can't tell you that last girl I dated that returned that sentiment, or parent. My sister is good. Maybe I'm expecting too much, maybe the way I communicate with people makes it think there's nothing wrong and it's just OK to talk about yourself with no reciprocation.

Maybe a good reason I use this board as a diary

 

[David.]

Losing again this weekend. Tonight will probably be bad. I want to die.

Your brain argues into doing stuff. Little by little it chips away at you until you've full blown fucked up.

For the love of god, someone spoon feed me a job with decent pay that isn't embarrassing, for short term.

Of there's anyone that knows anyone in accounting, specifically in the hiring process, can you help me out with a couple questions
@The Wizard of Moz

 

[The Wizard of Moz]

Losing again this weekend. Tonight will probably be bad. I want to die.

Your brain argues into doing stuff. Little by little it chips away at you until you've full blown fucked up.

For the love of god, someone spoon feed me a job with decent pay that isn't embarrassing, for short term.

Of there's anyone that knows anyone in accounting, specifically in the hiring process, can you help me out with a couple questions
@The Wizard of Moz

Im more on the actuarial side of things but I have recruited at career fairs for finance before (not specifically accounting) and HR usually gives me some things they look for in a candidate. I can try to help if you post questions

 

[DJTJ]

I'll throw in my issues, maybe an adult can help.

I can only binge drink. There is no ability for me to stop after one drink. I'm 23. It had the ability to cut it for months, and then have weekends were I'm basically obliterated for two nights in a row for a solid month straight. I refuse to go in situations where I'll be inclined to drink during the week, and it vastly eliminates social life.

Update; about 1/5 of the way through a 750 50 minutes after work.

There are about 9 more hours of drinking left. Undoubtedly will finish the bottle, throw up, and go to bed.

Luckily the the girl I'm talking to is really cool, totally gets my issue (I'm not a belligerent drunk but I become considerably more social) and wants me to just stop drinking entirely.

Has anyone just cut liquor out for non-medical reasons and stayed away? I can do 3 months, and then I'm back at it

 

[The Oi]

@David

Trevor Bauer answers math questions on twitter now.

That might help.

 

[David.]

Im more on the actuarial side of things but I have recruited at career fairs for finance before (not specifically accounting) and HR usually gives me some things they look for in a candidate. I can try to help if you post questions

I just want to know if in two years when this charge drops of, if I'll have a good chance at getting a job with what will be a seven year old shoplifting charge of a sweatshirt

Maybe actuaries are close enough to financial industry to be judged similarly

 

[The Wizard of Moz]

I just want to know if in two years when this charge drops of, if I'll have a good chance at getting a job with what will be a seven year old shoplifting charge of a sweatshirt

Maybe actuaries are close enough to financial industry to be judged similarly

I was in a similar situation to you. When I was applying for internships I had an underage. But honestly even more worrisome was under computer skills I had Microsoft Word and Microsoft PowerPoint lisTed. Not even excel. Now let me tell you, even actuarial interns usually have an obnoxious amount of computer skills. And I literally had opened excel a few times in my life. Pairing those two things together any company had a lot of reasons to go with the hundreds of other candidates (the entry level actuarial market is over saturated AF)

I dealt with it head on though and played up my strengths and even told them how my strengths prove that my weaknesses will be easy to overcome. In my personal opinion the interview is more important. Now don't get me wrong, you better have a damn good answer for the interview when it comes up, and some companies will likely blindly rule you out (like they did me), but you just have to convince them that they'd be missing what you bring to the table by passing on you

Just hype up your strengths, tackle and dismiss your weakness. It may close a few doors, but you've gotta focus on making whoever closes doors on you regret it in the long run. I personally would never disqualify someone for shoplifting 7 years in the past. But it would definitely come up if I were interviewing them and if they gave an insincere response that'd probably be that

One of my favorite quotes is from Gale Sayers. "Give me 18 inches of daylight, that's all I need"

That's exactly how I felt about interviewing. Just get me on the phone and that's all I need. Just make the most of the opportunities you get when they call you be ready to blow them away

 

[David.]

I was in a similar situation to you. When I was applying for internships I had an underage. But honestly even more worrisome was under computer skills I had Microsoft Word and Microsoft PowerPoint lisTed. Not even excel. Now let me tell you, even actuarial interns usually have an obnoxious amount of computer skills. And I literally had opened excel a few times in my life. Pairing those two things together any company had a lot of reasons to go with the hundreds of other candidates (the entry level actuarial market is over saturated AF)

I dealt with it head on though and played up my strengths and even told them how my strengths prove that my weaknesses will be easy to overcome. In my personal opinion the interview is more important. Now don't get me wrong, you better have a damn good answer for the interview when it comes up, and some companies will likely blindly rule you out (like they did me), but you just have to convince them that they'd be missing what you bring to the table by passing on you

Just hype up your strengths, tackle and dismiss your weakness. It may close a few doors, but you've gotta focus on making whoever closes doors on you regret it in the long run. I personally would never disqualify someone for shoplifting 7 years in the past. But it would definitely come up if I were interviewing them and if they gave an insincere response that'd probably be that

One of my favorite quotes is from Gale Sayers. "Give me 18 inches of daylight, that's all I need"

That's exactly how I felt about interviewing. Just get me on the phone and that's all I need. Just make the most of the opportunities you get when they call you be ready to blow them away

It sounds great in theory but in my background checks it says I steal

I interview remarkably well, but i don't know if that matters at all. I'm looking at some pride disqualifying smudges

 

[The Wizard of Moz]

It sounds great in theory but in my background checks it says I steal

I interview remarkably well, but i don't know if that matters at all. I'm looking at some pride disqualifying smudges

Like I said you will get flagged by some HRs and won't get a call.

Dave I probably applied to 50 internships. Got 3 interviews and 2 job offers

You're good at interviews that's great. All you need is that 18 inches then