The mental health thread

[The Oi]

If you feel like you need therapy and are putting off therapy, STOP putting it off.

Your mind is telling you something. All of those triggers are your mind begging you to acknowledge them. That’s what therapy is for.

If there’s trauma involved, therapy like EMDR and flash technique can help you work through things much, much faster than you might realize. And you may be blown away by how quickly those triggers become anything from minor obstacles to things that are in your rearview.

If it’s not trauma and it’s other disorders, see a specialist dedicated to those disorders. If you find a good one, put the work in. You and your kids deserve it.

If you, for whatever reason, can’t bring yourself to see a therapist but you have a general idea of what your issue is look it up online and then seek out content on youtube! There’s an incredible amount of great content out there and if you need to DIY your own therapy for a while for whatever reason or supplement what you’re doing, I don’t see any harm.

 

[DJTJ]

Also @Kouki, you’re entirely justified in how you feel. As a step-parent, I also worry about my kid going over to her bio dads. So I’m sure the opposite is even more plausible for most. Didn’t want to downplay your feelings, just wanted to give you a different perspective that might be somewhat calming.

 

[Kouki]

I’m the other person in a similar, so I can provide a unique perspective on how NOT to act.

If you have any civil relationship with your ex, awesome, if not, things not to do. Also assuming that the ex has at least a want for the kid to be something in life.

One, be there when you’re supposed to be. On time and for what you’re responsible for. Two, if this person sticks around and you can tell they care about your kid and are meaningfully contributing to their development, realize that you don’t have to put down your ex and her partner. A huge struggle for me is that while I’ve been financially supporting my daughter for 5ish years, and only officially required to for 2, my daughter is constantly fed that I’m not a real dad by her birth dad. Don’t be that guy. Three, for the life of God, realize this was likely to happen, and being supportive while looking out for your child’s best interest doesn’t mean retaliating or trying to push narratives.

Your kid is likely to eventually have 3+ parents, and that’s totally fine, when the ego gets checked at the door. Always try to do things for the benefit of the child (and truthfully no matter how messy a divorce or split, for the mom to succeed as well). Same page all the time, and it’s a lot smoother.

Relationship is fine with the ex, legally we are still married because we are too lazy to do the required paperwork and parenting classes, but we've been living separately for over two years now. The plan has been dissolution, I'm also kind of putting that off because I'm terrified she will come after my 401k lol. Extent of our communication is basically just logistics and "did you pay for daycare". We get along just fine but my daughter is also 3, I am sure we will butt heads when she gets older and we have more difficult parenting problems, we have VERY different perspectives on life.

Not going to lie, I can have terrible self esteem and really get down on myself, and I'm just terrified of being "replaced" as a father figure. That is it. I have a good job, house etc but 99% of what keeps me going is my daughter, and I realize that is not healthy, hence therapy.

If you feel like you need therapy and are putting off therapy, STOP putting it off.

Your mind is telling you something. All of those triggers are your mind begging you to acknowledge them. That’s what therapy is for.

If there’s trauma involved, therapy like EMDR and flash technique can help you work through things much, much faster than you might realize. And you may be blown away by how quickly those triggers become anything from minor obstacles to things that are in your rearview.

If it’s not trauma and it’s other disorders, see a specialist dedicated to those disorders. If you find a good one, put the work in. You and your kids deserve it.

If you, for whatever reason, can’t bring yourself to see a therapist but you have a general idea of what your issue is look it up online and then seek out content on youtube! There’s an incredible amount of great content out there and if you need to DIY your own therapy for a while for whatever reason or supplement what you’re doing, I don’t see any harm.

Yeah, earlier today I googled therapists, got confused on the insurance and our employee portal and gave up. Not familiar with EMDR and flash technique, my previous therapist recommended CBT which I have heard great things about but I didn't take it seriously because if I saw sticky notes re-affirming my self worth I would just get more depressed.

It's just an intimidating clusterF for what seems like an important decision that could waste a lot of time and energy, so many places have 2.5 star reviews, or only two reviews, and theres like 30 places in a five mile radius each with multiple specialists and ugh

BUT your post at least inspired me to contact the place I used to go to years ago, unfortunately got an answering machine so I left a message

Tried another place, nothing

Tried a third place...receptionist was super sweet and understanding and I'm scheduling a my first appointment now.

<3

 

[Lee]

I know there's a handful of divorced/separated folks with kids here

Any words of wisdom for when your ex has a new man in her life?

IDGAF about her, just the thought of another person daughter makes me sick to my stomach and scared and depressed and I'm already an insecure mess mentally

I really need to get to a therapist regularly, 2.5 years of sobriety but I have little to show for it, I just completely melted down yesterday. I "recovered" quickly by taking my good anxiety meds and the depression turned into anger and I got stuff done but that's not exactly sustainable unless I want to take beta blockers every day for the rest of my life. It really is the only time I feel good about myself though and don't less the depressive / intrusive thoughts win.

When I'm already in the dumps and I see triggers it just makes everything 10x worse. And those triggers could be as simple as seeing a messy garage or basement that I've put off for a long time, or wasting time watching dumb YouTube videos, or my dogs being bored, or eating unhealthy, or not exercising

ETA my daughter is just about to turn 3

I dont want to provide to much detail because it will trigger you, but pay very close attention to the other guy. Make friends with him, try and not care about the ex and him, but see how he is with your daughter.

Turns out my ex brought in an abusive guy into the home for 2 years, and when my daughter was 16 it took threats from her leaving to my house full time (50/50 custody)

Your hands are tied and if you go to nuts, you will lose any custody of your daughter, so its very tricky.

 

[bronko]

Always try to keep a good relationship for your daughter's sake. If there's a serious issue, you want to know about it, and that will happen faster the more you stay involved with all of them. It's difficult with these big changes occurring. Your ex at one time picked you, so hopefully she won't bring in a problem for your child. But the closer and better you get along, the better you can protect everybody involved. I think most of us who go through these situations feel the same as you do. Bestnof luck.

 

[The Oi]

Relationship is fine with the ex, legally we are still married because we are too lazy to do the required paperwork and parenting classes, but we've been living separately for over two years now. The plan has been dissolution, I'm also kind of putting that off because I'm terrified she will come after my 401k lol. Extent of our communication is basically just logistics and "did you pay for daycare". We get along just fine but my daughter is also 3, I am sure we will butt heads when she gets older and we have more difficult parenting problems, we have VERY different perspectives on life.

Not going to lie, I can have terrible self esteem and really get down on myself, and I'm just terrified of being "replaced" as a father figure. That is it. I have a good job, house etc but 99% of what keeps me going is my daughter, and I realize that is not healthy, hence therapy.



Yeah, earlier today I googled therapists, got confused on the insurance and our employee portal and gave up. Not familiar with EMDR and flash technique, my previous therapist recommended CBT which I have heard great things about but I didn't take it seriously because if I saw sticky notes re-affirming my self worth I would just get more depressed.

It's just an intimidating clusterF for what seems like an important decision that could waste a lot of time and energy, so many places have 2.5 star reviews, or only two reviews, and theres like 30 places in a five mile radius each with multiple specialists and ugh

BUT your post at least inspired me to contact the place I used to go to years ago, unfortunately got an answering machine so I left a message

Tried another place, nothing

Tried a third place...receptionist was super sweet and understanding and I'm scheduling a my first appointment now.

<3

Great! Be proud of yourself for even booking the appointment. Self esteem issues can make you feel like you’re stuck in the mud and the idea of therapy is frightening when you don’t know what kind of stuff you’ll be forced to confront.

Cbt is proven, effective theapy. It helps to have your eye on a long term goal or two when you go in: maybe that’s just “feeling like you did at a certain age,” “feeling good about myself when I spend time alone,” “being able to do ___ with your kid,”

Whatever it/they may be having some goals gives you a reason to stick with the therapy for a reason other than just “doing therapy.”

Sidenote: Low self esteem is incredibly common and getting more common as people become more isolated and compare themselves to false perceptions of each other on social media.

People with low self esteem don’t generally share that they have it bc they’re afraid someone else will take advantage of them for it or will be perceived as weak for their vulnerability. And of course, sadly some WILL.

I think we, as a society, have done men a massive disservice by disallowing one another from sharing thoughts like this for the last couple generations. That you and I are having this conversation on a website now is valuable IMO, but can you imagine having this discussion in HS? We’d have been crucified. Stupid.

 

[Kouki]

Thanks. I am a little concerned about her character assessment, the only other long term relationship she had, she was proud of him for getting in bar fights. But that was early 20s, 15 years ago, and she was trying to trigger me because I'm the opposite of bar fights. In hindsight our relationship was toxic to both of our mental healths, partially because we just weren't compatible.

Then she picked me and I've got my own problems obviously lol

That said, she is successful and attractive so she should have her choice

 

[Kouki]

Great! Be proud of yourself for even booking the appointment. Self esteem issues can make you feel like you’re stuck in the mud and the idea of therapy is frightening when you don’t know what kind of stuff you’ll be forced to confront.

Cbt is proven, effective theapy. It helps to have your eye on a long term goal or two when you go in: maybe that’s just “feeling like you did at a certain age,” “feeling good about myself when I spend time alone,” “being able to do ___ with your kid,”

Whatever it/they may be having some goals gives you a reason to stick with the therapy for a reason other than just “doing therapy.”

Sidenote: Low self esteem is incredibly common and getting more common as people become more isolated and compare themselves to false perceptions of each other on social media.

People with low self esteem don’t generally share that they have it bc they’re afraid someone else will take advantage of them for it or will be perceived as weak for their vulnerability. And of course, sadly some WILL.

I think we, as a society, have done men a massive disservice by disallowing one another from sharing thoughts like this for the last couple generations. That you and I are having this conversation on a website now is valuable IMO, but can you imagine having this discussion in HS? We’d have been crucified. Stupid.

And thank you specifically about the advice on how to approach counseling, with an open mind and with goals. I do need to take it seriously. I still remember the date of the first time I thought I was "done" with therapy... 13.5 years ago. Every 3-4 years I'm back.

Unfortunately not getting in until Dec 13th, but I'll have me plenty of time to decompress from yesterday's breakdown and really figure out what I need to focus on.

And if I really need help before then, I hear chat gpt is getting really good at this lol.

 

[RonG]

And thank you specifically about the advice on how to approach counseling, with an open mind and with goals. I do need to take it seriously. I still remember the date of the first time I thought I was "done" with therapy... 13.5 years ago. Every 3-4 years I'm back.

Unfortunately not getting in until Dec 13th, but I'll have me plenty of time to decompress from yesterday's breakdown and really figure out what I need to focus on.

And if I really need help before then, I hear chat gpt is getting really good at this lol.

Go to your hr and ask if they have eap services. This will get you the first sessions free and help you find the correct type of counseling you need.

Now I'm a bio dad and a step dad. Both call me Dad, not because I asked them to it just happened organically. Same with my wife.

Having a bonus parent can be a huge benefit for a kid. This guy might not be the one but hopefully your wife/ ex will find her life partner and it will enhance her life and in turn your life.

Worry about what you can control. So much if life boils down to that statement. Just be the dad uou want to be the rest will take care of itself. If the step is a piece of shit, having s good and thriving relationship with your kid will make I easier for them to vocalize it.

Take no shame in asking for help. Being a parent is on the job training and by the time your any good at it your out of a job.

One day down the road you may share this story with you kid as a life lesson. Keep thay in mind as you struggle. There is a reason they say it takes a village to raise a child.

 

[Hurl Bruce]

That said, she is successful and attractive so she should have her choice

Pics?

 

[Phills14]

@Kouki let me start off by saying what you are feeling is totally normal. I know I have felt that same way and I'm sure many on this board can say the same. My mind would wander off into these tangents. "You've got to be kidding me, how can she be with him?" "What does he have going for him that I don't" "I wonder what they are doing" "It's 9pm, my kid is asleep and he's probably over there". These thoughts used to eat me up. Luckily, they faded away over time.

I came to realize the only thing that matters is that your daughter is in a safe environment and she gets along with the person your ex has brought into the picture. As long as he treats your daughter well, while she feels safe and comfortable, then that's all you should care about. What your ex wants to do or not do is none of your business anymore, as long as it doesn't impact your daughter in a negative way.

It sucks dealing with an ex, I have my battles, but I've always done my best to put those aside and work with her for the betterment of the kids. Whatever our differences are personally should not impact the way we raise our kids. We don't have to like each other, but we have to respect each other as a parent and work together to be the best co-parents we can be. What she does with her time or how she conducts herself is not my concern any longer. It took a while to get there, but one I did, I found peace.

It'll get better over time. Trust me. You wanting to speak to someone about it is a very positive step. Good luck!

 

[Kouki]

I wouldn't feel so bad about it if I had more self confidence to find a partner myself, or even hung out with friends more. I am 110% over my ex, when we first talked about it I wanted to try to make things work but it was absolutely the best for the both of us and for our daughter. The day she moved out was such a huge relief.

That's been over two years now, have had highs and lows, haven't dated or even attempted because it scares the shit out of me, right now I mostly just waste my nights watching YouTube if the Cavs aren't playing, and taking the edge off with some D8. The one positive that I'm legit proud of is 100% sober from alcohol with zero relapse for almost 2.5 years, but I replace that addiction with D8 or binge eating. Still in a much better spot but still unhealthy impulse-driven problems.

 

[The Oi]

I wouldn't feel so bad about it if I had more self confidence to find a partner myself, or even hung out with friends more. I am 110% over my ex, when we first talked about it I wanted to try to make things work but it was absolutely the best for the both of us and for our daughter. The day she moved out was such a huge relief.

That's been over two years now, have had highs and lows, haven't dated or even attempted because it scares the shit out of me, right now I mostly just waste my nights watching YouTube if the Cavs aren't playing, and taking the edge off with some D8. The one positive that I'm legit proud of is 100% sober from alcohol with zero relapse for almost 2.5 years, but I replace that addiction with D8 or binge eating. Still in a much better spot but still unhealthy impulse-driven problems.

Great job on the drinking!

The social/dating thing seems hard as an adult, esp for people who are introverted or for those who are extroverted but with crunched social circumstances.

You might need to make new friends, or at least start with some short social interactions and increase to longer ones:

I can’t recommend yoga enough. It’s great for stress relief but you’re also sweating in a room full of attractive women who are typically happy to welcome you there. Find some classes.

Spinning classes. Same. Usually loaded with women who are cool with men joining the class and skill is irrelevant.

Running/hiking/biking club? My town has a running club so I imagine most others do as well. I’m sure you could seek something like this out on social media and then join up. Great way to meet up and hang with people. Could be anything Lego, shooting, plumbing club. Whatever. Just adults hanging out and doing something together.

You should also sign up for some individual art or musical classes, something that lines up with your interests. Having a creative outlet is huge when you’re going through a hard time, but it’s also a confidence builder and a way to keep your brain and hands busy. Also tons of online content to supplement any classes you take.

 

[bushwick_bill]

Relationship is fine with the ex, legally we are still married because we are too lazy to do the required paperwork and parenting classes, but we've been living separately for over two years now. The plan has been dissolution, I'm also kind of putting that off because I'm terrified she will come after my 401k lol. Extent of our communication is basically just logistics and "did you pay for daycare". We get along just fine but my daughter is also 3, I am sure we will butt heads when she gets older and we have more difficult parenting problems, we have VERY different perspectives on life.

Not going to lie, I can have terrible self esteem and really get down on myself, and I'm just terrified of being "replaced" as a father figure. That is it. I have a good job, house etc but 99% of what keeps me going is my daughter, and I realize that is not healthy, hence therapy.



Yeah, earlier today I googled therapists, got confused on the insurance and our employee portal and gave up. Not familiar with EMDR and flash technique, my previous therapist recommended CBT which I have heard great things about but I didn't take it seriously because if I saw sticky notes re-affirming my self worth I would just get more depressed.

It's just an intimidating clusterF for what seems like an important decision that could waste a lot of time and energy, so many places have 2.5 star reviews, or only two reviews, and theres like 30 places in a five mile radius each with multiple specialists and ugh

BUT your post at least inspired me to contact the place I used to go to years ago, unfortunately got an answering machine so I left a message

Tried another place, nothing

Tried a third place...receptionist was super sweet and understanding and I'm scheduling a my first appointment now.

<3

Here, please let me help:

Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist

View the latest from the world of psychology: from behavioral research to practical guidance on relationships, mental health and addiction. Find help from our directory of therapists, psychologists and counselors.

www.psychologytoday.com

I am a big advocate for therapy when someone is ready for it. It really helped me out during difficult times in my life, about which I have shared some stories before.

@The Oi is a great friend...

The site above will link you to therapists in your area, their specialties, your insurance, your preferences, etc. within the filter. Feel free to reach out to me. I second EMDR help, but that comes after just finding a therapist that you are comfortable with. I went through a bunch until I found someone who was a woman younger than me, and I am only 43. It is all about your understanding of your needs and your comfort level. I also abstain from alcohol and have, for almost 3 years, I tip my cap to you for your success with living an alcohol-free life!

 

[DeeThree]

I'm having delusional / intrusive thoughts. Once I set my mind to do something(Get an Information Technology certificate) , I get a thought a couple days later to give up, and do something else.

It's making it really difficult to focus on my studies.

If anyone wants to talk about mental health issues feel free to PM me. I have been dealing with mine for almost 10 years now.

Also congrats on staying sober. I would recommend therapy/counseling too.
It's important to find a person you like though. Can't stress that enough.